8 Months After My Breakup...
It's been a weird 8 months since Christmas. . .
I let work and school consume me so that I couldn't focus on the fact that I was single again. Is being single again terrible? No. Is being single after a 4-5 year relationship terrible? Yes, because it hurts. I thought I would miss him, I didn't. He's still around. We're still friends. Nothing can change that, I guess. Did I miss being in a relationship? Yes. I missed the good memories with him. I missed impromptu hangouts/Netflix and Chill, running around in the store with him. I missed being on the swings and walking around the park with him. All of these things can be done still while being with him, but it's different. We're not cuddling anymore, having tickle fights anymore...we are NOTHING anymore. Did I miss being in a relationship with him? Nope. . .
That was the toughest part for me. To let go of the "good times". He already did, so why couldn't I? I loved hard. And after our breakup conversation, I went numb. I felt cool and comfortable, I knew it was a long time coming, the idea of it happening during the holidays through me for a loop. "Things will be ok. You'll find love again. You need a break from relationships anyway." Those were the things that I would tell myself when I went to bed crying or when loneliness crept up on me. I thought I was broken. And so I would put a stupid smile on my face like everything was ok. But they weren't because I was furious and while I may have thought he deserved happiness, I cursed him for it. Until one day, I let the bitterness go. And it still comes around every once in awhile. But I ignore it. I guess you can say I forgave him, but let's be honest, I won't ever forget. . .
Now, I'm just focused on me at the moment. I'm going to be graduating soon and moving into the workforce so that I can start my career. I've been talking to someone and if it develops into something that's cool. If it doesn't, that's cool too.
A couple things that I've learned from this experience:
- Only you can love yourself fully
- Never settle