A Year Of Healing... | What I Learned From My Breakup

It seems like it's been a long time since that sad Christmas night in 2016. What was supposed to be a fun and loving day turned into a heartbreaking night. It took a long time for me to recover but this is what I learned along the way...

I didn't give myself enough time to be angry...

The last time I wrote about my breakup, it was about the recovery process 8 months afterwards. Reading it now, I know that I was super bitter and angry. I had never given myself the chance to be completely angry. After my ex and I broke up, I just wanted to stay friends, but once he got into a relationship, I was pissed because a part of me didn't want to be happy. My ex sometimes has the tendency to treat other people better than me. This isn't something that was new, I've known this for a while and have talked to him about it. But hey, I have my issues too, we all do. But when he started to tell me more about his potential new boo, I wasn't for it. I didn't like it and I didn't care.

So eventually we weren't talking as much, and when we started talking again, I let him know everything that was running through my mind. I, for the most part, was trying to focus on school. most of the time. So that was keeping my full attention. But it was really nice to clear the air and get everything off my chest. My ex and I are still friends, but we have boundaries, most of the time. He still knows that I won't probably ever forgive him about that night (he catches a slight attitude every time I bring it up), it may be silly later years down the road but that's like a betrayal of my trust and I simply don't give a f*ck. But for now, I'm not holding it over his head as much. Who knows, maybe I will forgive him entirely one day. *shrugs*

I'm (sort of) ready to start dating again...

When I was interested in talking to guys again, I got on some of those dating apps during the summertime. I was talking to one guy, named Andre*, he was ready to jump into a relationship with me, but I wasn't and wanted to be friends. I made that very clear that I was still working on me being happy (by myself). For me, dating is not something that I take lightly. I'm in it for the long haul. I'm not for messing around or wasting people's time, but I also have to trust the person. So for me, becoming friends first is the first step. Anyway, he got a little upset about it and we haven't talked since. This didn't help the fact that my dad was in the hospital at the time and when I finally met up with this guy (in public), I didn't feel a super strong connection. Eventually, I deleted the app and was getting ready to work really hard during my last semester of undergrad.

Until, I had two classes with this one guy, named Gary*. I had two classes with him the semester before (spring 2017), thought he was cute but never thought anything of it. My heart said otherwise. I developed a minor crush on him, he was the silent type and he was tall too. We were in the same major, so it was like a match made in heaven. But, I didn't tell him I had a crush on him until after I graduated because I knew that I didn't really want to be in a relationship and I knew we probably wouldn't be a good match/I would never see him again (and I still haven't seen him). Plus he loved comic book actions movies like I did, but he didn't like martial art movies and he loved Kanye West and that's almost a borderline deal breaker...just kidding, mostly.

When I got back on Tinder and Bumble eventually, I talked to a few nice guys until things went sour. One guy, named Cole* that I used to be friends with on Facebook swiped right on me. We never really talked much but from whatever I saw him post online, it seemed very professional. But boy was I wrong. He wanted sex from me and when I said no, he caught an attitude so quick I found it hilarious. A part of me wanted to put him on blast for being a dipsh*t, but I decided against it. He ended up messaging me on Instagram and apologized. I haven't talked to him at all after that, which really sucked because I thought he was a nice guy but online personas can be very deceiving. :P

Whatever happens, happens...

As of right now, I'm in a weird transitional place. A limbo. I'm ok with being single because I don't have time for any bullsh*t. I'm deciding on whether or not if I should go to grad school, I'm working at new place, part time and still focusing on my health. So if love happens to come my way, that would be cool. If not, that's cool too. I'm trying to change my mindset of saying "I'm so lonely" to "I'm single and ok, and there's nothing wrong with that". I'm hoping that 2018 will be a really good year for me, guess I'll have to wait and see...

*All names have been changed.