The Conversation I've Been Waiting For...

Hey Loves, just writing about something that happened to be about a week or so ago. So I had my yearly appointment with my substitute gynecologist (weird I know), and she seemed really nice and sweet and was talking to me like I've been her patient "most" of my adult life. Anyway, of course she was looking over my vitals that I had taken earlier and my record from the previous year, and she looked at me very concerned. Let me tell you, I knew what she was about to say but I wasn't quite ready for it. She asked, "How are you with your diet and exercise?" I swallowed a bit. I gave her the usual response, "I try for weeks or months and then stop and can't stay consistent. School's coming up and I'm making that an excuse to not exercise or eat right or whatever." She told me to join a program. Of course I listened, nodded and said "Yeah, I'll do my research." I wasn't lying to her, eventually I did. My gynecologist (or sub for that matter) has been the only woman doctor I've ever had. My pediatrician and PCP are both men, and they made losing weight just something I had to do if I want to lose weight (and yes I want to lose weight) but they told me in a "guy" way. But the look in my sub gynecologist's eyes scared me...

I want to lose weight the natural way, but obviously that's not working. I've tried Weight Watchers before (one of the programs my sub recommended), and I HATED counting points. It was also a really bad time in my life ( I wasn't eating at the time) and apparently there's a warning check box on the site saying that you shouldn't do the program if you're going through anorexia and/or bulimia. My family didn't know at the time and wouldn't know for many years...except my mom. It's weird, I've been waiting my whole entire life to have this conversation with any of my doctors because I have been struggling with my weight FOREVER, and it takes all the way into I'm in my early 20s, for a doctor that's only known me for only 20-30 minutes to say "Hey, whatever you're doing is not working...not saying that you haven't tried but maybe you need a little help." I know I need help. I know that whatever I'm doing isn't doing a damn thing because I can't stay consistent. I did the "good" diet thing earlier this summer, it worked (it's mentioned in another post). I didn't know if I lost weight (I wasn't trying to stay focused on that), but my eating habits were getting better. I was working out pretty much 5 times a day for a few weeks, I felt great, and then everything went backwards. I made scheduling conflicts my excuse, I said to myself "Oh I'll do it tomorrow" which when tomorrow came, I NEVER DID IT. *Sigh* That's being human I guess... My boyfriend believes in me because he's seen me go pass my limit of exhaustion to continue with the workout. My mom believes in me..well because she's my mom and knows me better than anyone. But me, I have no faith in myself whatsoever. I see all the videos on Facebook about people losing tons of weight and I try to let that be my motivation...yet here I am, on the couch, typing this.

I don't know what to do... Of course the logical thing would be to join a program, stick it out, workout every day etc. What about when the program ends? Or what if I don't stick with the program and give up within the first month? Money wasted, excuses made...ugh. I just don't know...
I just don't know..

Hope you've enjoyed the read so far. Sorry if it seems a little sad.